Diary entry 12th Sep 2009
I woke up this morning feeling really horny, but as I turned to Steven he wasn’t even there! I was so pissed off; I totally forgot that he had to pick up his brother from the airport - so I was left dry. I tried to masturbate but my body wouldn’t allow me to enjoy it at all, I kept thinking - “I shouldn’t have to do this!” So I just got out of bed, had a cool shower and started on the laundry. I must admit though, as I turned to Steven I was actually picturing it was Carl beside me. I bet Carl’s at home this very moment giving his girlfriend he’s undivided attention. Something tells me he makes a good loving partner and an even sexier lover.
Then I got to thinking about monogamy. As much as I love Steven, do I really see myself sleeping with just him for the duration of our relationship? As much as I want to be with him, I often think about sleeping with Carl, so obviously monogamy is something that I’ve not been totally honest with myself about. Yes I should respect Steven and Love only him –and I do, but that doesn’t stop me from being attracted sexually to other people. I’ve been with Steven nearly 5 years now – 5 years, and haven’t cheated on him not once... and never ever intended to. But after 5 years I’m beginning to feel I need something more. Maybe if I did sleep with someone else I’d realise how much Steven is worth to me, because I’m really starting to lose hope. Or maybe I’d in fact realise how much Steven isn’t worth to me, who knows – I could really find myself. I’m not being a coward when I say this, but I’d rather test it out while he’s still here rather then us breaking up to realise he is in fact the one.
It is one thing to love someone emotionally, but quite another to love them mentally I think. Obviously at this moment I couldn’t possible love Steven mentally because Carl is always on my mind...which to me has more power then any physical. When I make love to Steven for 20minutes, I’m with Carl mentally for the next 48 hours plus – and sometime Carl’s even there throughout my making love to Steven. So you see....it is a case of mind over matter, and if someone’s on your mind it’s your human right to moved to them and at least try to fulfil the desire you hold within.
