First Base!

Diary Entry 5th Nov 2009

...So to be quite honest I didn’t know what to say after that, everything started to feel slightly surreal – maybe it was the cocktail.

“Are you alright Trina?” Carl asked slightly worried. “Yeah, I’m fine. I think it’s the cocktail – I haven’t eaten since 2.” I remember saying. “Well we’ll have to do something about that.’ He said, lifting my drink out of my hand. So as you’ve probably guessed – we went for something to eat.

And where did we go? – Only to the room next door!! When I stepped inside there was already a table set for two awaiting our arrival. He had planned the meal all along. At that point I was so starved I didn’t even think to ask him what else he had up his sleeve – maybe I should have.

Now I’m not the type to have an affair usually – especially since Steven’s realised that what we have is worth holding onto and has started making a real effort, but I couldn’t resist Carl’s charm. After we ate till our bellies were full, he entertained me by showing me the penthouse view. It was beautiful. I’d never really seen such level of class first hand, and the city view was magnificent, the lights were hypnotising.

I dunno, maybe it was the view, maybe it was the food, maybe it was the room, or maybe it was Carl – whatever it was, it allowed Carl to get to first base. I’m not proud, but I couldn’t exactly stop myself from kissing him back – his passion was meaningful and intense.

I bet you’re thinking we had sex. Well... no diary - you're wrong. I couldn’t. It felt too rushed. I wasn’t ready. We’d only just got through the horrible fall out and although he said sorry, I still couldn't quite work out what he wanted to gain from all this - but most importantly (although it's far too late for me to be playing the righteous card) – he was Stevens’s best friend.

I came home in the early hours after spending the rest of the evening with Carl, and told Steven I was with Denise. He believed me – which only made me feel guilty. But, why wouldn’t he believe me? I’m his perfect, innocent girl.

Startled

Diary Entry 30th Oct 2009

I bet your probably wondering what decision I made huh? I bet you’re probably thinking I chickened out and told him I couldn’t make it? Or I bet you were thinking, “Of course she went round to the hotel – she couldn’t wait to drop her knickers.” Well I can honestly say...you’re wrong! I took so long to reply to his message that he assumed I was up for the idea. Six o’clock came and went and I was still @ the office. He called me a few times to ask where I was and if everything was ok. I told him it was, but up until then I was so swamped with work I forgot all about it. (He had some nerve anyway – just coming back into my life like that as though nothing happened!) Anyway, by the time he got off the phone I figured - why not.

I met him in the lobby of the hotel at about 6:45pm. He brought me down to the bar and brought me a cocktail.

“First let me tell you how sorry I am. I had no business acting that way. What you and Steven get up to in your relationship is no business of mine.”

I was so taken aback. I figured he’d try and pretend the whole thing never happened.

“So are admitting you were somewhat jealous that Steven and I were going away for the weekend.” I asked. “Not jealous.” He said. “...just annoyed.”

“But why though?” I asked knowing the possible answer. “Trina you were just sitting there speaking about it as if nothing else mattered. I was beginning to think you were trying to hurt me on purpose – couldn’t you see the hurt come over my face?” He said looking me square in the eye. I couldn’t believe it. Well for one, I didn’t think he would've been so honest. And two, I really didn’t think he cared so much.

“Well, Carl...” I began, “I didn’t realise you felt that way. At the time I thought we were OK to discuss such things. I suppose now I know not-“

“Now don’t go changing who you are for me. All that was my issue.” He said, cutting me off. “I’m over it now. And I promised myself I would never allow myself to get like that again. I realise how much you meant to me while I was away and even if we can’t be anything more – I still want us to be friends.”

I was gobsmacked.

TO BE CONTINUED

Spanner's in the works.

Diary Entry 21th Oct 2009

I asked myself – “What do I have to give to get an answer – what?” But no answer came. So instead I decided to just do nothing. Concentrate on all the things that I love to do most, like hang with my friends, get on with my work and most of all spend time with my lover... Steven. I was doing pretty well; I really started to feel as though it was working for me, I was finally moving on.

I had a really good weekend too. The club was full of vibes I hadn’t heard in a long time. My work week has been going well so far. I got top praise for negotiating my way through a business meeting at work (handling accounts can be tricky business), I even received double bonuses. Everything was going great until..., Carl texted me.

Out of nowhere! Just like that - out of the blue! Just when I was becoming OK with the idea he’d gone for good. Now I don't know what to do. What do you think I should do? He said he wanted to talk to me – but don’t worry, I haven’t replied yet. I’m just wondering whether I want to get back into all that again. But in the same breath I want to know what the bleeding hell got into him. So I’m sitting here with my phone in my hand wondering whether to replay or not.

Why is it when you finally moved on, they come running back? And why is it that absents really makes the heart grow funder? In the text he sent me it simply said;

I KNOW YOU MUST BE MAD AT ME, I'M SORRY. WE NEED TO TALK. MEET ME IN MALMAISONS’ HOTEL LOBBY 2DAY @ 6pm. TEXT BK BY 4 IF YOU CAN’T MAKE IT, OTHERWISE I’LL ASSUME IT’S A DATE. HOPFULLY I’LL SEE YOU THEN. XX.

I mean - who does he think he is? And yet I’m so tempted to go, just to see what his got up his sleeve. I’ve got four hours to make up my mind.

Sugar 'is' Suite.

Diary Entry 17th Oct 2009

So what do you think I should do? Add a few clip-ins to ADD more colour. Or, quickly colour my whole hair black? I’m sick of being a light brunette now and I’m just dying to go out and shake a much needed leg. Natalie’s coming to pick my up in three hours, so I need to make this decision fast. Ok maybe me writing diary entries at this time isn’t such a good idea – but hey...., I’ve had a long day, and this is the only thing that helps me unwind.

Ok so you’re probably wondering why the sudden outburst to play party girl tonight, and you’re also probably wondering why I haven't mentioned Carls name in the first paragraph. Well, to tell you the truth – I’m sick of playing miserable. I just wanna PAAAAAARTY!!!! Woohoo - I can’t wait to go out tonight. I think we’re just gonna take a nice stroll down to Sugar Suite. (Ok so I’m telling you that as if you know where and what it is I'm talking about – sorry diary. Well just so you know it’s an exclusive night club where they play a mixture of funky house and r’n’b every Saturday from 11pm till 4pm. Venue - Birmingham’s Broad street.) It should be a really good night. Plus two of my most favourite dj’s play there - TripleSss and Mikey Flexx. And you never know..., maybe I’ll see Carl too. Ha!

Steven's meeting his brothers tonight. Lord knows what they’ll be getting up too, but I trust him. They’ll be no chance of getting speeding tickets mailed to me by next week, or a call to say collect him from police custody.... what? You didn’t think I meant trust as in... from cheating did you? -No diary! Steven isn’t that type. He wouldn't dream of it!

Anyway with all this chatter I’m never gonna be ready in time. Natalie truly hates waiting, so I’d better hurry up. I think I'll go go for all black. After all - it is nearly Halloween. Muwaaahahahaa!! (Sorry, I had to do it.)

Well thanks for this time, I appreciated it. You really know how to make a girl relax and clear her mind. (Inhale - exhale)

Have a good night in diary – be good! Mwah xxxx

Rejected.

Diary Entry 14th Oct 2009

You know what? I’ve literally given him nearly 10 days, and still nothing! Not a single reply. No reply to my voice mails, text messages or phone calls. I don’t even know what I could have done that was so bad. Surly I don’t deserve this, and I’m really getting fed up with his juvenile behaviour.

In all honesty, I haven’t felt this way since I was in school - trying to work out whether the fittest guys in my year actually faced me or if he thought of me as just “One of the lads.” And let me tell you, I was thankful to get out the first time – after all, school has to end some day. But not with Carl, this could go on forever.... we’re adults! Oh I dunno, maybe he has good reason for all this. I mean it’s not like I ain't in a relationship, I could still happily go my own merry way, Steven’s none the wiser.

I tell you what though, its seriously been plaguing my mind something rotten for the past few days - it’s killing me. I just need to know what he’s thinking. The other night Steven came into the kitchen while I was cooking, he tried to make me smile by creeping up behind me a wrapping his arms around my waste, but (I admit) my response was totally unmoved. He asked me “What’s wrong?” and I just said “Nothing” then just shrugged it off. Then he went on to say “You’ve been acting kinda distant lately, I’m beginning to think you don't want me no more.” At that point I wanted to die. I don't ever want Steven to feel as though I don’t want him anymore, I was horrified. I instantly turned to face him, looked him in the eye and told him never to think like that. It got so emotional I couldn’t help from feeling guilty. I told him it was just stress from work with the extra over time I’ve been doing. He believed me which only made it worse, but he began to relax after that. So you see, if I don't sort this thing out with Carl soon, or if I don't literally get over it, it may cause me more trouble then its worth.

I wish it was that simple (to get over it), but it’s just not. I really fancied Carl, I really need to know what he’s thinking. Maybe then I can move on once and for all – before Steven starts suggesting that we need counselling, or horror of horror - should start a family (It's funny how people often think that having children will mend a problem, when I just think it only makes the situation worse - but that's just my opinion.)

I’m gonna kill that Carl for doing this to me!

Twisted!

Diary Entry 5th Oct 2009

Hi diary, how you been? Sorry I’ve neglected you, but as you know I’ve been really busy. I had some overtime at work, but I’m back now and very tired. Ok so here’s the thing. I don’t know if I’m over reacting, but I do find this pretty weird. On Friday before Steven and I left for our weekend spa (which was fabulous might I add) I met Carl at a cafe in town, put it this way, I told him how well Steven and I’ve been getting on, and how well his been treating me recently, and he totally switched. He started to get really snappy and even began giving me one worded answers. It got so uncomfortable at one point that I had no other choice but to make my excuses and leave. I was so taken aback. So that night I texted him and asked if he was alright, that he seems a little off with me - he didn’t even texted back! When I tried calling him the following day another guy (who’s voice I don't recognised) answered, I couldn’t believe the way he was treating me.

On the way to the spa I casually asked Steven how Carl was doing but Steven said he hadn’t spoke to him, so I insisted he call him - as there're good friends. Anyway, Carl answered the phone! He told him that he and his Mrs were enjoying a weekend away in Amsterdam’s five star hotel - he didn’t even mention he was going away! (I know for a fact that must have been a last minute booking because he wanted to see me this weekend but I couldn't because I was already booked in to go to the spa.) I was so annoyed, it was as though he wanted to hurt me in someway, and I found it really juvenile.

Now is it me? Or is this guy somehow....jealous? Because I’d hate to think this is all in my head. Today’s Monday, Steven and I got back late last night then I was up and out early this morning which left me no time to speak with Carl – and he still hasn’t called or returned any of me three text messages – what is wrong with this picture???? I just don’t understand.

Anyway enough! I can’t be bothered to go through mellow drama over a guy I haven’t eve shagged yet. Well, fat chance of that happening now! *sighs & shakes head* Good night diary, at least you can sleep tight.

Routine

Diary Entry 30th Sept 2009

You know what. I’m happy. I haven’t been this happy in mouths – mouths I tell you. But you know what? I feel as though I want more, somethings missing. I don’t know if it’s because I know there’s more out there....just waiting, or is it because my life's just become routine. Either way Carl seems to understand where I'm coming from. We were speaking on the phone a lot yesterday, y'know just about things we want and don’t want, love, friends and that sort of stuff. And it just so happens that Carl and I have a lot in common, I enjoyed speaking to him. Steven and I are cool too. He’s still treating me like a queen and I love his efforts and all the attention he's showing me, I really do. And I love him, I love him dearly.

I realise now that this isn't about Steven at all, it's definitely about me. And you know what? I just wanna shag the living shit out of Carl. He has such a magnetic energy and i'm soooooo attracted to him.

We've arranged to meet on Friday before Steven and I go away to our weekend spa appointment, I'm so looking forward to seeing him again. I suppose this is just one of those times when I could do with....a new friend. ;)

Mmmm, night diary. x