First Base!

Diary Entry 5th Nov 2009

...So to be quite honest I didn’t know what to say after that, everything started to feel slightly surreal – maybe it was the cocktail.

“Are you alright Trina?” Carl asked slightly worried. “Yeah, I’m fine. I think it’s the cocktail – I haven’t eaten since 2.” I remember saying. “Well we’ll have to do something about that.’ He said, lifting my drink out of my hand. So as you’ve probably guessed – we went for something to eat.

And where did we go? – Only to the room next door!! When I stepped inside there was already a table set for two awaiting our arrival. He had planned the meal all along. At that point I was so starved I didn’t even think to ask him what else he had up his sleeve – maybe I should have.

Now I’m not the type to have an affair usually – especially since Steven’s realised that what we have is worth holding onto and has started making a real effort, but I couldn’t resist Carl’s charm. After we ate till our bellies were full, he entertained me by showing me the penthouse view. It was beautiful. I’d never really seen such level of class first hand, and the city view was magnificent, the lights were hypnotising.

I dunno, maybe it was the view, maybe it was the food, maybe it was the room, or maybe it was Carl – whatever it was, it allowed Carl to get to first base. I’m not proud, but I couldn’t exactly stop myself from kissing him back – his passion was meaningful and intense.

I bet you’re thinking we had sex. Well... no diary - you're wrong. I couldn’t. It felt too rushed. I wasn’t ready. We’d only just got through the horrible fall out and although he said sorry, I still couldn't quite work out what he wanted to gain from all this - but most importantly (although it's far too late for me to be playing the righteous card) – he was Stevens’s best friend.

I came home in the early hours after spending the rest of the evening with Carl, and told Steven I was with Denise. He believed me – which only made me feel guilty. But, why wouldn’t he believe me? I’m his perfect, innocent girl.

Startled

Diary Entry 30th Oct 2009

I bet your probably wondering what decision I made huh? I bet you’re probably thinking I chickened out and told him I couldn’t make it? Or I bet you were thinking, “Of course she went round to the hotel – she couldn’t wait to drop her knickers.” Well I can honestly say...you’re wrong! I took so long to reply to his message that he assumed I was up for the idea. Six o’clock came and went and I was still @ the office. He called me a few times to ask where I was and if everything was ok. I told him it was, but up until then I was so swamped with work I forgot all about it. (He had some nerve anyway – just coming back into my life like that as though nothing happened!) Anyway, by the time he got off the phone I figured - why not.

I met him in the lobby of the hotel at about 6:45pm. He brought me down to the bar and brought me a cocktail.

“First let me tell you how sorry I am. I had no business acting that way. What you and Steven get up to in your relationship is no business of mine.”

I was so taken aback. I figured he’d try and pretend the whole thing never happened.

“So are admitting you were somewhat jealous that Steven and I were going away for the weekend.” I asked. “Not jealous.” He said. “...just annoyed.”

“But why though?” I asked knowing the possible answer. “Trina you were just sitting there speaking about it as if nothing else mattered. I was beginning to think you were trying to hurt me on purpose – couldn’t you see the hurt come over my face?” He said looking me square in the eye. I couldn’t believe it. Well for one, I didn’t think he would've been so honest. And two, I really didn’t think he cared so much.

“Well, Carl...” I began, “I didn’t realise you felt that way. At the time I thought we were OK to discuss such things. I suppose now I know not-“

“Now don’t go changing who you are for me. All that was my issue.” He said, cutting me off. “I’m over it now. And I promised myself I would never allow myself to get like that again. I realise how much you meant to me while I was away and even if we can’t be anything more – I still want us to be friends.”

I was gobsmacked.

TO BE CONTINUED

Spanner's in the works.

Diary Entry 21th Oct 2009

I asked myself – “What do I have to give to get an answer – what?” But no answer came. So instead I decided to just do nothing. Concentrate on all the things that I love to do most, like hang with my friends, get on with my work and most of all spend time with my lover... Steven. I was doing pretty well; I really started to feel as though it was working for me, I was finally moving on.

I had a really good weekend too. The club was full of vibes I hadn’t heard in a long time. My work week has been going well so far. I got top praise for negotiating my way through a business meeting at work (handling accounts can be tricky business), I even received double bonuses. Everything was going great until..., Carl texted me.

Out of nowhere! Just like that - out of the blue! Just when I was becoming OK with the idea he’d gone for good. Now I don't know what to do. What do you think I should do? He said he wanted to talk to me – but don’t worry, I haven’t replied yet. I’m just wondering whether I want to get back into all that again. But in the same breath I want to know what the bleeding hell got into him. So I’m sitting here with my phone in my hand wondering whether to replay or not.

Why is it when you finally moved on, they come running back? And why is it that absents really makes the heart grow funder? In the text he sent me it simply said;

I KNOW YOU MUST BE MAD AT ME, I'M SORRY. WE NEED TO TALK. MEET ME IN MALMAISONS’ HOTEL LOBBY 2DAY @ 6pm. TEXT BK BY 4 IF YOU CAN’T MAKE IT, OTHERWISE I’LL ASSUME IT’S A DATE. HOPFULLY I’LL SEE YOU THEN. XX.

I mean - who does he think he is? And yet I’m so tempted to go, just to see what his got up his sleeve. I’ve got four hours to make up my mind.

Sugar 'is' Suite.

Diary Entry 17th Oct 2009

So what do you think I should do? Add a few clip-ins to ADD more colour. Or, quickly colour my whole hair black? I’m sick of being a light brunette now and I’m just dying to go out and shake a much needed leg. Natalie’s coming to pick my up in three hours, so I need to make this decision fast. Ok maybe me writing diary entries at this time isn’t such a good idea – but hey...., I’ve had a long day, and this is the only thing that helps me unwind.

Ok so you’re probably wondering why the sudden outburst to play party girl tonight, and you’re also probably wondering why I haven't mentioned Carls name in the first paragraph. Well, to tell you the truth – I’m sick of playing miserable. I just wanna PAAAAAARTY!!!! Woohoo - I can’t wait to go out tonight. I think we’re just gonna take a nice stroll down to Sugar Suite. (Ok so I’m telling you that as if you know where and what it is I'm talking about – sorry diary. Well just so you know it’s an exclusive night club where they play a mixture of funky house and r’n’b every Saturday from 11pm till 4pm. Venue - Birmingham’s Broad street.) It should be a really good night. Plus two of my most favourite dj’s play there - TripleSss and Mikey Flexx. And you never know..., maybe I’ll see Carl too. Ha!

Steven's meeting his brothers tonight. Lord knows what they’ll be getting up too, but I trust him. They’ll be no chance of getting speeding tickets mailed to me by next week, or a call to say collect him from police custody.... what? You didn’t think I meant trust as in... from cheating did you? -No diary! Steven isn’t that type. He wouldn't dream of it!

Anyway with all this chatter I’m never gonna be ready in time. Natalie truly hates waiting, so I’d better hurry up. I think I'll go go for all black. After all - it is nearly Halloween. Muwaaahahahaa!! (Sorry, I had to do it.)

Well thanks for this time, I appreciated it. You really know how to make a girl relax and clear her mind. (Inhale - exhale)

Have a good night in diary – be good! Mwah xxxx

Rejected.

Diary Entry 14th Oct 2009

You know what? I’ve literally given him nearly 10 days, and still nothing! Not a single reply. No reply to my voice mails, text messages or phone calls. I don’t even know what I could have done that was so bad. Surly I don’t deserve this, and I’m really getting fed up with his juvenile behaviour.

In all honesty, I haven’t felt this way since I was in school - trying to work out whether the fittest guys in my year actually faced me or if he thought of me as just “One of the lads.” And let me tell you, I was thankful to get out the first time – after all, school has to end some day. But not with Carl, this could go on forever.... we’re adults! Oh I dunno, maybe he has good reason for all this. I mean it’s not like I ain't in a relationship, I could still happily go my own merry way, Steven’s none the wiser.

I tell you what though, its seriously been plaguing my mind something rotten for the past few days - it’s killing me. I just need to know what he’s thinking. The other night Steven came into the kitchen while I was cooking, he tried to make me smile by creeping up behind me a wrapping his arms around my waste, but (I admit) my response was totally unmoved. He asked me “What’s wrong?” and I just said “Nothing” then just shrugged it off. Then he went on to say “You’ve been acting kinda distant lately, I’m beginning to think you don't want me no more.” At that point I wanted to die. I don't ever want Steven to feel as though I don’t want him anymore, I was horrified. I instantly turned to face him, looked him in the eye and told him never to think like that. It got so emotional I couldn’t help from feeling guilty. I told him it was just stress from work with the extra over time I’ve been doing. He believed me which only made it worse, but he began to relax after that. So you see, if I don't sort this thing out with Carl soon, or if I don't literally get over it, it may cause me more trouble then its worth.

I wish it was that simple (to get over it), but it’s just not. I really fancied Carl, I really need to know what he’s thinking. Maybe then I can move on once and for all – before Steven starts suggesting that we need counselling, or horror of horror - should start a family (It's funny how people often think that having children will mend a problem, when I just think it only makes the situation worse - but that's just my opinion.)

I’m gonna kill that Carl for doing this to me!

Twisted!

Diary Entry 5th Oct 2009

Hi diary, how you been? Sorry I’ve neglected you, but as you know I’ve been really busy. I had some overtime at work, but I’m back now and very tired. Ok so here’s the thing. I don’t know if I’m over reacting, but I do find this pretty weird. On Friday before Steven and I left for our weekend spa (which was fabulous might I add) I met Carl at a cafe in town, put it this way, I told him how well Steven and I’ve been getting on, and how well his been treating me recently, and he totally switched. He started to get really snappy and even began giving me one worded answers. It got so uncomfortable at one point that I had no other choice but to make my excuses and leave. I was so taken aback. So that night I texted him and asked if he was alright, that he seems a little off with me - he didn’t even texted back! When I tried calling him the following day another guy (who’s voice I don't recognised) answered, I couldn’t believe the way he was treating me.

On the way to the spa I casually asked Steven how Carl was doing but Steven said he hadn’t spoke to him, so I insisted he call him - as there're good friends. Anyway, Carl answered the phone! He told him that he and his Mrs were enjoying a weekend away in Amsterdam’s five star hotel - he didn’t even mention he was going away! (I know for a fact that must have been a last minute booking because he wanted to see me this weekend but I couldn't because I was already booked in to go to the spa.) I was so annoyed, it was as though he wanted to hurt me in someway, and I found it really juvenile.

Now is it me? Or is this guy somehow....jealous? Because I’d hate to think this is all in my head. Today’s Monday, Steven and I got back late last night then I was up and out early this morning which left me no time to speak with Carl – and he still hasn’t called or returned any of me three text messages – what is wrong with this picture???? I just don’t understand.

Anyway enough! I can’t be bothered to go through mellow drama over a guy I haven’t eve shagged yet. Well, fat chance of that happening now! *sighs & shakes head* Good night diary, at least you can sleep tight.

Routine

Diary Entry 30th Sept 2009

You know what. I’m happy. I haven’t been this happy in mouths – mouths I tell you. But you know what? I feel as though I want more, somethings missing. I don’t know if it’s because I know there’s more out there....just waiting, or is it because my life's just become routine. Either way Carl seems to understand where I'm coming from. We were speaking on the phone a lot yesterday, y'know just about things we want and don’t want, love, friends and that sort of stuff. And it just so happens that Carl and I have a lot in common, I enjoyed speaking to him. Steven and I are cool too. He’s still treating me like a queen and I love his efforts and all the attention he's showing me, I really do. And I love him, I love him dearly.

I realise now that this isn't about Steven at all, it's definitely about me. And you know what? I just wanna shag the living shit out of Carl. He has such a magnetic energy and i'm soooooo attracted to him.

We've arranged to meet on Friday before Steven and I go away to our weekend spa appointment, I'm so looking forward to seeing him again. I suppose this is just one of those times when I could do with....a new friend. ;)

Mmmm, night diary. x

Sexy text.

Diary Entry 28th Sept 2009

3 Karen Millan dresses including 1 evening dress. 1 grey leather jacket and hand bag to match. 2 pairs of knee high boots (1 suede, the other black leather). A pair of skinny jeans and some cool Dior sunglasses to go. And while I was at it I just threw in 2 new fragrances, a few pairs of black leggings and a couple of oversized t-shirts too.

It’s been ages since Steven took me shopping, we had such a good time, I think he enjoyed seeing my face light up every time he said I could have which ever item I wanted.

I was having such a good time I forgot all about Carl – until we saw him and Fiona in town shopping also. The second she saw me I notices her pull Carl closer to her... loser. Even Steven noticed it, and men rarely take note of such things, so you know she was being abrasive. I couldn’t even make eye contact with him, so I just said hello to them both and went off to look at clothes. He text me about thirty minutes after saying “You look so nice today, would it be wrong if I told you I loved to eat you right now” I couldn’t believe it. I think him seeing me with Steven actually turned him on. I texted him back and said, “Keep talking like that and I might just let yah.” He then replied with a wink and a kiss, I couldn’t stop smiling. But don't worry; I let Steven take the credit for my sudden burst of glee. Ain't I a good girlfriend?

OK it’s late and I can just about keep my eyes open. Speak soon diary. xx

Shopping spree all for me.

Diary Entry 26th Sept 2009

Wow, Steven is sure still making an effort, he’s taking my shopping today – Woohoo. And last night we had the most amazing sex. I think I might be falling in love all over again, he's so sweet right now.

Anyway this was just a quick note – I must go pamper myself quickly before he changes his mind – which I doubt.

Catch you later.... Mwah xx

Heeeee's baaaaack!

Diary Entry 23rd Sept 2009

Stevens been making such an effort since he came back from France, he must have really missed me. He made me breakfast in bed yesterday and today he met me for lunch, he was saying “I really don't know what I would do with out you.” I don’t know what came over him. He continued by saying “I know sometimes I’ve taken you for granted and I really want to make up for it.” When I asked him why the sudden change he said (and I quote). “Because I love you, with all my heart.” He then continued to say. “It’s amazing how we see other couples and assume that their relationship’s perfect, when in actual fact 97% of the time they're far from it.” He got to telling me about his weekend away. He said when he was in France a colleague was telling him that he was going through a messy divorce and that the women was literally bleeding him for every penny he had. Another colleague told him that he caught his wife of three mounts cheating. But because he had cheated on her in the past and she takes good care of home he’s willing to ignore it ever happened – she doesn’t even know he knows. Could you imagine his pain every time she leaves the house all dolled up, knowing she’s about to run into the arms of another?! (Tragic – Steven can NEVER find out.) Not to mention Steven also said one of his bosses constantly goes to strip clubs, sleeps around with all sorts, and is a right womanizer! And this is all because he’s scared of getting old and being abandoned - such a shame. Steven said by the time his visit was over his head was spinning, it caused him to look at our relationship, and it made him realised that what we have is special - in comparison. He said from that moment on he promises to never take me for granted again. So I suppose by that he means he’s not gonna be so demanding, selfish and boring anymore.

I must admit I do like the change in him; it reminds me of when we first got together. I don't know how long it’s gonna last though - it’s not the first time his had an epiphany. We’ll see how it goes, I do prefer this side to Steven, I enjoy feeling appreciated, special, and loved. It’s nice.

Gosh I’m so confused right now – what am I going to do about Carl?? He wanted to see me again this weekend and I was to tell Steven I was going out with the girls if he asks. The thing is Steven arranged today for us to go to a health farm, I know I can cancel Carl he won’t mind, but it looks as though I may have to hang Carl up (possibly) for good - anyway I’m not gonna dwell – it’s all early days yet.

Anyway must dash, hubby is out the bath now, I must go hump.

Ummm, Carl.

Diary Entry 21st Sept 2009

Gosh I had such a busy weekend... it’s only now that I can finally put my feet up. Friday I had to make sure Steven was properly packed, fed and on time for his flight to France, and that was after I drove him into town to get his hair cut and then having to pick up his dry cleaning. Once he’d gone I had to rush to the office before they added on extra time to the overtime I already owed – it was hectic!

Ok, so anyway (deep breaths) I managed to get out of work at eight, Carl and I were texting back and forth all day since I told him that Steven had left, and we arranged for him to pick me up at 10pm – my heart was pounding the whole day.

By the time he arrived I was so nervous I felt like a kid – imagine if I don't find him attractive anymore? Imagine if he doesn’t like me...? I was going out of my mind. When he arrived I was so relived, it was like meeting with an old friend, he instantly had me relaxed with the most funniest comment, “Could you fit anything else into that dress?” I couldn’t help but giggle – gosh a man hasn’t made me feel that way in so long. Steven use to give me butterflies – now he just gives me a headache! He used to make me laugh..., now sometimes he makes me sick! Ok, Ok maybe I’m being a little harsh, I’ll behave. The point is I hadn’t felt that way in ages and I really like it – loved it in fact.

He took me to a fancy Italian restaurant, (which was a nice surprise) we had delicious lobster; I think I might have gotten a little tipsy by the time it came out because Carl started to feed me small pieces...ummm. I hadn’t eaten all that day and the wine I had personally picked out started to take its little toll on me - maybe Carl had sensed it. He was well impressed by my choice of wine; he said “I enjoy experiencing the tastiness of new things, especially for the first time.” I was speechless - he said it looking right into my eyes. I couldn’t help breathing heaver, my heart started beating really fast – I’m surprised he didn’t see my heart pounding through my little black number, he was so subtly blatant – I loved it!

The following day I went shopping with Lisa – why did I tell her about Carl?!! She kept trying to make me feel bad about Steven – yet she supports my decision - she’s more confused then I am! It’s fair to say I had a lovely weekend. Carl kissed me softly good night as we sat in the car at the end of the night just talking. It was nice. He said he wasn’t gonna come in (as much as he said he wanted too), he felt it was too soon – and I understood. Something tells me he has a lot more in store from what I had previously anticipated. Oooo, KEEP WATCHING THIS FRIGGIN SPACE!!!!! Mwah xx

Carl's friggin HOT!

Diary Entry - 16th Sept 2009

Ok, so I’m highly anticipating the weekend... 2 days to go and I’ll be out on the town with Carl, I can’t believe this is actually happening so fast, I actually feel nervous. I know everything’s gonna be cool, Carl hasn’t exactly said he wants to sleep with me (although I have a strong sense that he does), I have nothing to worry about – the fantasy still only lives in my head, which is the only thing keeping me relaxed.

He texted me yesterday while I was at work, and again today to say hi. He asked if I was ok and that he was looking forward to our drink on Friday too. (I bet he’s looking forward to more then just a drink.) It kinda took me by surprise his text, I thought he would've played it cool but obviously I was wrong, but I was happy that he did text me - I wouldn’t want to be seen doing all the chasing. He asked me such a randome question today via text, it read - “Do you work in one of those offices where you have to wear a suit every day?” When I replied “Yes.” He then wrote back, “So what kind of suite are you wearing today? Just out of curiosity.” (Yeah right – curiosity my arse.) I wrote back that I had on a simple grey pencil skirt and a cream blouse, he wrote back - “Nice!” followed by a smiley face. I must admit, it did make me smile - God he’s hot.

I was on such a high today as I left work, hearing from Carl and knowing that the weekend is rapidly approaching, I decided to celebrate by buying myself a new mini dress for this rare occasion. A sexy black number which looks set for anything, and with black I'm safe - I don't want it to look like I've made too much of an effort.

Omg! Steven asked me if I wanted to join him in France for the weekend today, but I quickly without hesitation said that I had a pile of work to do and needed to pop into the office at some point to get thought it. He bought it; he didn’t even ask me any further questions.

Omg, I totally love Steven....what am I thinking?? - Oh come on, there’s not time for cold feet – you’re going out for a drink with Carl regardless!! The deed hasn’t been done yet so it’s not too late to back out.

Omg! Now what am I saying??!! Am I forgetting Carl’s friggin HOT! It’ll be fine, maybe I’m just tired. With that in mind I better go back to bed before Steven comes looking for me.

Speak to you soon - night diary. xx

Omg, Omg, Omg!

Diary Entry - 14th Sept 2009

OMG, OMG, OMG! Carl came around today – nothing happened, but I felt the sexual tension between us. Steven was working till 8 - I double checked at 5:15 when I finished work, Carl turned up at 6. He didn’t give me a believable reason as to why he came, he just said he was in the area and decided to drop by to see how I was. The thing is...we live quite far out, so just passing is like next to not gonna happen, you’d have to be literally coming to see someone to be anywhere near this area. I told him Steven was at work as I answered the door and he said he was aware, I couldn’t stop myself from blushing so I quickly invited him in before he noticed my change of expression – and God he smelt good as he walked past. We sat and talked – y’know, just general stuff, and although our conversation was purely platonic I couldn’t help but feel we were both beating around the bush. “Steven’s going away this weekend – is that right?” He asked as he sipped whisky from a glass, yet not taking his eyes off me at the same time. As our eyes met I knew at that moment for sure - he wanted me too. My white shirt with the buttons undone to my cleavage didn’t hurt either; neither did my black mini skirt. “Yeah...erm, he’s going on Friday, he’ll be back on Monday evening.” I remember myself saying. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! - what am I doing????????

We then got to talking about relationships. “You guys have been together for what...5 years now? You must be really happy?” He asked nonchalantly. “Err; yeah...I suppose we are.” I answered, feeling stifled. “What about you, are you happy...you and Fiona?” He took awhile to answer, which only made my mind wonder, and then he said something totally unexpected - “Define happy?” I was speechless for a moment, how can I define happy so randomly? You’re either happy or you ain't! Luckily before I could say anything is said “We’re ok...kinda like you and Steven...but in our relationship - I’m you.” OMG, OMG, OMG! If that wasn’t an ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING - I don’t know what is.

So let me get this right, first he turns up unannounced and informs me that he knew Steven wasn’t here. Then he asks me about Stevens’ weekend departure – which for any affair is the perfect opportunity to get freaky, and now he’s asking me about my relationship - comparing himself to me. This guy has fuck me all across his forehead...and I kinda like it! So OMG, OMG, OMG! I can barely contain my excitement, roll on weekend - Carl's fucking hot!

Before he left he took my mobile number, saying we should go for a drink on Friday after Steven leaves...he said “I wouldn’t want you stuck at home on a Friday night.” What can I say? – I totally agree. I just hope to God this is going to be worth it. I hugged him goodbye and as I was about to let him go he smelt my neck...how sexy is that!!!!!! He said he’ll call me in the week to arrange a time to pick me up. I just gotta remember to delete each message because sometimes Steven uses my phone.

Anyway gotta go Stevens just pulled up on the drive. Mwah x

Let the games begin.

Diary entry 12th Sep 2009

I woke up this morning feeling really horny, but as I turned to Steven he wasn’t even there! I was so pissed off; I totally forgot that he had to pick up his brother from the airport - so I was left dry. I tried to masturbate but my body wouldn’t allow me to enjoy it at all, I kept thinking - “I shouldn’t have to do this!” So I just got out of bed, had a cool shower and started on the laundry. I must admit though, as I turned to Steven I was actually picturing it was Carl beside me. I bet Carl’s at home this very moment giving his girlfriend he’s undivided attention. Something tells me he makes a good loving partner and an even sexier lover.

Then I got to thinking about monogamy. As much as I love Steven, do I really see myself sleeping with just him for the duration of our relationship? As much as I want to be with him, I often think about sleeping with Carl, so obviously monogamy is something that I’ve not been totally honest with myself about. Yes I should respect Steven and Love only him –and I do, but that doesn’t stop me from being attracted sexually to other people. I’ve been with Steven nearly 5 years now – 5 years, and haven’t cheated on him not once... and never ever intended to. But after 5 years I’m beginning to feel I need something more. Maybe if I did sleep with someone else I’d realise how much Steven is worth to me, because I’m really starting to lose hope. Or maybe I’d in fact realise how much Steven isn’t worth to me, who knows – I could really find myself. I’m not being a coward when I say this, but I’d rather test it out while he’s still here rather then us breaking up to realise he is in fact the one.

It is one thing to love someone emotionally, but quite another to love them mentally I think. Obviously at this moment I couldn’t possible love Steven mentally because Carl is always on my mind...which to me has more power then any physical. When I make love to Steven for 20minutes, I’m with Carl mentally for the next 48 hours plus – and sometime Carl’s even there throughout my making love to Steven. So you see....it is a case of mind over matter, and if someone’s on your mind it’s your human right to moved to them and at least try to fulfil the desire you hold within.

*Smiles* See I knew I’d be right about this; it’s the right choice to make. No-one will get hurt because I won’t allow them to find out until I know more about what I’m feeling – it could just be sexual tension mixed with deep lust, or it could be true love. Either way I believe this is good for mine and Stevens’s relationship, and I will always keep in mind the objective – I’m doing it for us.

Diary Entry 9th Sept 2009

If he orders me around one more time he’s gonna live to regret it. Do you know how tiring cooking, cleaning and trying to hold down a full time job can be? He should be grateful that I’m even doing all this. But no, he still insists on me running his bath and giving him a back massage.

Anyway, today was a good day; I managed to get through the crazy pile of papers on my desk at work, which gave me chance to finish early. *Smiles* thoughts of Carl didn’t hurt either - although I’m trying my best not to have them.

What would I do if something actually happened between me and him? As much as I think, ‘Oh well, just let it happen.’ is as much as I think ‘No, it just can’t happen.’ he’s got a partner and so have I; it would be selfish not to consider their feelings in this.

So what should I suggests saying - “Excuse me, Steve? I was just thinking... as I do. I erm actually fancy your best friend, of 25 years, you know - Carl...yeah, that's the one. I really have this urge to give him a good shag, and I just wanted your blessing - surly you wouldn’t mind?’

Yeah right – far from amicable!

I mean how else do you consider other peoples feelings? In a situation such as this I don’t think there‘s a shot in hell you could really consider anyone else’s feelings, especially when the urge is so strong - it’s not normal. There must come a time in everyone’s life when you’re not supposed to consider anyone else’s feelings but your own. Some may call that selfish, so you just can’t win. Whether you’re forsaking your own or forsake others - someone’s always gonna be left feeling miserable. It’s a catch 22. What am I Suppose to do? Just ignore the way I feel?!

I suppose I should figure out whether I’d be doing it for the right reasons - and not out of sheer spite (Due to Steven fast becoming a ponce!! But what are the right reasons?).

And karma’s such a bitch.

Anyway I must dash; Steven needs me to scrub his back.

Diary Entry 7^th Sep 2009

I like him. It’s weird I know, but I do like him. I know I shouldn't’t go around falling for my boyfriend’s friend, but Carl 's hot. At times I catch him looking at me, I can tell he likes me too....but his got a girlfriend anyway so this is just stupid.

Why can’t stop thinking about him? I’ve only known him a month and every time he comes around I just don’t want him to leave, he’s so much fun to be around.

Steven (my boyfriend) and Carl have been friends for years, but I’ve only recently met Carl. He was living in London for a long time so I hadn’t the chance to meet him before now - but I heard a lot about him. Since meeting Carl, Steven in comparison has become a bore, yes he still buys me anything I want and gives me bed time head, but other then that the excitement's dead!! He rarely makes me laugh and he hardly ever takes me out; all he does is work and sleep, work and sleep.

The other day Carl and I went for a drink, I saw him in town while I was out buying Steven a tie for this business meeting he has in France next week, we had a right laugh. The chemistry was immense, we talked about absolutely everything, from relationships to work, money and children, I haven’t had that much attention for a long while....you know, just one on one. I felt so drawn to him and I'm still trying to work out if it’s because he makes me laugh, I know he's good looking, or horror of horror is just because I know he's Stevens’s friend! Surly I’m not a closet slut! Hmmm.

Maybe I'm being harsh. OK, Steven's a nice guy - I suppose. He looks after me, my father was really proud to finally see me with a hard working man for a change, but....but...he’s become dull. How do I tell him that I’m beginning to feel pushed aside/neglected/ignored/bored.

What the hell!! After seeing Carl last week all I cant think about is him. Hugging me goodbye he held me for a few seconds longer then a normal 'friendly' goodbye hug - the only bleeding thing missing was a big sloppy wet kiss...., what am I gonna do?? I love Steven really I do....but there's something about Carl.

OMG!! I might just have to....