Diary Entry 28th Sept 2009
3 Karen Millan dresses including 1 evening dress. 1 grey leather jacket and hand bag to match. 2 pairs of knee high boots (1 suede, the other black leather). A pair of skinny jeans and some cool Dior sunglasses to go. And while I was at it I just threw in 2 new fragrances, a few pairs of black leggings and a couple of oversized t-shirts too.
It’s been ages since Steven took me shopping, we had such a good time, I think he enjoyed seeing my face light up every time he said I could have which ever item I wanted.
I was having such a good time I forgot all about Carl – until we saw him and Fiona in town shopping also. The second she saw me I notices her pull Carl closer to her... loser. Even Steven noticed it, and men rarely take note of such things, so you know she was being abrasive. I couldn’t even make eye contact with him, so I just said hello to them both and went off to look at clothes. He text me about thirty minutes after saying “You look so nice today, would it be wrong if I told you I loved to eat you right now” I couldn’t believe it. I think him seeing me with Steven actually turned him on. I texted him back and said, “Keep talking like that and I might just let yah.” He then replied with a wink and a kiss, I couldn’t stop smiling. But don't worry; I let Steven take the credit for my sudden burst of glee. Ain't I a good girlfriend?
OK it’s late and I can just about keep my eyes open. Speak soon diary. xx
Diary Entry 26th Sept 2009
Wow, Steven is sure still making an effort, he’s taking my shopping today – Woohoo. And last night we had the most amazing sex. I think I might be falling in love all over again, he's so sweet right now.
Anyway this was just a quick note – I must go pamper myself quickly before he changes his mind – which I doubt.
Catch you later.... Mwah xx
Diary Entry 23rd Sept 2009
Stevens been making such an effort since he came back from France, he must have really missed me. He made me breakfast in bed yesterday and today he met me for lunch, he was saying “I really don't know what I would do with out you.” I don’t know what came over him. He continued by saying “I know sometimes I’ve taken you for granted and I really want to make up for it.” When I asked him why the sudden change he said (and I quote). “Because I love you, with all my heart.” He then continued to say. “It’s amazing how we see other couples and assume that their relationship’s perfect, when in actual fact 97% of the time they're far from it.” He got to telling me about his weekend away. He said when he was in France a colleague was telling him that he was going through a messy divorce and that the women was literally bleeding him for every penny he had. Another colleague told him that he caught his wife of three mounts cheating. But because he had cheated on her in the past and she takes good care of home he’s willing to ignore it ever happened – she doesn’t even know he knows. Could you imagine his pain every time she leaves the house all dolled up, knowing she’s about to run into the arms of another?! (Tragic – Steven can NEVER find out.) Not to mention Steven also said one of his bosses constantly goes to strip clubs, sleeps around with all sorts, and is a right womanizer! And this is all because he’s scared of getting old and being abandoned - such a shame. Steven said by the time his visit was over his head was spinning, it caused him to look at our relationship, and it made him realised that what we have is special - in comparison. He said from that moment on he promises to never take me for granted again. So I suppose by that he means he’s not gonna be so demanding, selfish and boring anymore.
I must admit I do like the change in him; it reminds me of when we first got together. I don't know how long it’s gonna last though - it’s not the first time his had an epiphany. We’ll see how it goes, I do prefer this side to Steven, I enjoy feeling appreciated, special, and loved. It’s nice.
Gosh I’m so confused right now – what am I going to do about Carl?? He wanted to see me again this weekend and I was to tell Steven I was going out with the girls if he asks. The thing is Steven arranged today for us to go to a health farm, I know I can cancel Carl he won’t mind, but it looks as though I may have to hang Carl up (possibly) for good - anyway I’m not gonna dwell – it’s all early days yet.
Anyway must dash, hubby is out the bath now, I must go hump.
Diary Entry 21st Sept 2009
Gosh I had such a busy weekend... it’s only now that I can finally put my feet up. Friday I had to make sure Steven was properly packed, fed and on time for his flight to France, and that was after I drove him into town to get his hair cut and then having to pick up his dry cleaning. Once he’d gone I had to rush to the office before they added on extra time to the overtime I already owed – it was hectic!
Ok, so anyway (deep breaths) I managed to get out of work at eight, Carl and I were texting back and forth all day since I told him that Steven had left, and we arranged for him to pick me up at 10pm – my heart was pounding the whole day.
By the time he arrived I was so nervous I felt like a kid – imagine if I don't find him attractive anymore? Imagine if he doesn’t like me...? I was going out of my mind. When he arrived I was so relived, it was like meeting with an old friend, he instantly had me relaxed with the most funniest comment, “Could you fit anything else into that dress?” I couldn’t help but giggle – gosh a man hasn’t made me feel that way in so long. Steven use to give me butterflies – now he just gives me a headache! He used to make me laugh..., now sometimes he makes me sick! Ok, Ok maybe I’m being a little harsh, I’ll behave. The point is I hadn’t felt that way in ages and I really like it – loved it in fact.
He took me to a fancy Italian restaurant, (which was a nice surprise) we had delicious lobster; I think I might have gotten a little tipsy by the time it came out because Carl started to feed me small pieces...ummm. I hadn’t eaten all that day and the wine I had personally picked out started to take its little toll on me - maybe Carl had sensed it. He was well impressed by my choice of wine; he said “I enjoy experiencing the tastiness of new things, especially for the first time.” I was speechless - he said it looking right into my eyes. I couldn’t help breathing heaver, my heart started beating really fast – I’m surprised he didn’t see my heart pounding through my little black number, he was so subtly blatant – I loved it!
The following day I went shopping with Lisa – why did I tell her about Carl?!! She kept trying to make me feel bad about Steven – yet she supports my decision - she’s more confused then I am! It’s fair to say I had a lovely weekend. Carl kissed me softly good night as we sat in the car at the end of the night just talking. It was nice. He said he wasn’t gonna come in (as much as he said he wanted too), he felt it was too soon – and I understood. Something tells me he has a lot more in store from what I had previously anticipated. Oooo, KEEP WATCHING THIS FRIGGIN SPACE!!!!! Mwah xx
Diary Entry - 16th Sept 2009
Ok, so I’m highly anticipating the weekend... 2 days to go and I’ll be out on the town with Carl, I can’t believe this is actually happening so fast, I actually feel nervous. I know everything’s gonna be cool, Carl hasn’t exactly said he wants to sleep with me (although I have a strong sense that he does), I have nothing to worry about – the fantasy still only lives in my head, which is the only thing keeping me relaxed.
He texted me yesterday while I was at work, and again today to say hi. He asked if I was ok and that he was looking forward to our drink on Friday too. (I bet he’s looking forward to more then just a drink.) It kinda took me by surprise his text, I thought he would've played it cool but obviously I was wrong, but I was happy that he did text me - I wouldn’t want to be seen doing all the chasing. He asked me such a randome question today via text, it read - “Do you work in one of those offices where you have to wear a suit every day?” When I replied “Yes.” He then wrote back, “So what kind of suite are you wearing today? Just out of curiosity.” (Yeah right – curiosity my arse.) I wrote back that I had on a simple grey pencil skirt and a cream blouse, he wrote back - “Nice!” followed by a smiley face. I must admit, it did make me smile - God he’s hot.
I was on such a high today as I left work, hearing from Carl and knowing that the weekend is rapidly approaching, I decided to celebrate by buying myself a new mini dress for this rare occasion. A sexy black number which looks set for anything, and with black I'm safe - I don't want it to look like I've made too much of an effort.
Omg! Steven asked me if I wanted to join him in France for the weekend today, but I quickly without hesitation said that I had a pile of work to do and needed to pop into the office at some point to get thought it. He bought it; he didn’t even ask me any further questions.
Omg, I totally love Steven....what am I thinking?? - Oh come on, there’s not time for cold feet – you’re going out for a drink with Carl regardless!! The deed hasn’t been done yet so it’s not too late to back out.
Diary Entry - 14th Sept 2009
OMG, OMG, OMG! Carl came around today – nothing happened, but I felt the sexual tension between us. Steven was working till 8 - I double checked at 5:15 when I finished work, Carl turned up at 6. He didn’t give me a believable reason as to why he came, he just said he was in the area and decided to drop by to see how I was. The thing is...we live quite far out, so just passing is like next to not gonna happen, you’d have to be literally coming to see someone to be anywhere near this area. I told him Steven was at work as I answered the door and he said he was aware, I couldn’t stop myself from blushing so I quickly invited him in before he noticed my change of expression – and God he smelt good as he walked past. We sat and talked – y’know, just general stuff, and although our conversation was purely platonic I couldn’t help but feel we were both beating around the bush. “Steven’s going away this weekend – is that right?” He asked as he sipped whisky from a glass, yet not taking his eyes off me at the same time. As our eyes met I knew at that moment for sure - he wanted me too. My white shirt with the buttons undone to my cleavage didn’t hurt either; neither did my black mini skirt. “Yeah...erm, he’s going on Friday, he’ll be back on Monday evening.” I remember myself saying. Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! - what am I doing????????
We then got to talking about relationships. “You guys have been together for what...5 years now? You must be really happy?” He asked nonchalantly. “Err; yeah...I suppose we are.” I answered, feeling stifled. “What about you, are you happy...you and Fiona?” He took awhile to answer, which only made my mind wonder, and then he said something totally unexpected - “Define happy?” I was speechless for a moment, how can I define happy so randomly? You’re either happy or you ain't! Luckily before I could say anything is said “We’re ok...kinda like you and Steven...but in our relationship - I’m you.” OMG, OMG, OMG! If that wasn’t an ARE YOU THINKING WHAT I'M THINKING - I don’t know what is.
So let me get this right, first he turns up unannounced and informs me that he knew Steven wasn’t here. Then he asks me about Stevens’ weekend departure – which for any affair is the perfect opportunity to get freaky, and now he’s asking me about my relationship - comparing himself to me. This guy has fuck me all across his forehead...and I kinda like it! So OMG, OMG, OMG! I can barely contain my excitement, roll on weekend - Carl's fucking hot!
Before he left he took my mobile number, saying we should go for a drink on Friday after Steven leaves...he said “I wouldn’t want you stuck at home on a Friday night.” What can I say? – I totally agree. I just hope to God this is going to be worth it. I hugged him goodbye and as I was about to let him go he smelt my neck...how sexy is that!!!!!! He said he’ll call me in the week to arrange a time to pick me up. I just gotta remember to delete each message because sometimes Steven uses my phone.
Anyway gotta go Stevens just pulled up on the drive. Mwah x
Diary entry 12th Sep 2009
I woke up this morning feeling really horny, but as I turned to Steven he wasn’t even there! I was so pissed off; I totally forgot that he had to pick up his brother from the airport - so I was left dry. I tried to masturbate but my body wouldn’t allow me to enjoy it at all, I kept thinking - “I shouldn’t have to do this!” So I just got out of bed, had a cool shower and started on the laundry. I must admit though, as I turned to Steven I was actually picturing it was Carl beside me. I bet Carl’s at home this very moment giving his girlfriend he’s undivided attention. Something tells me he makes a good loving partner and an even sexier lover.
Then I got to thinking about monogamy. As much as I love Steven, do I really see myself sleeping with just him for the duration of our relationship? As much as I want to be with him, I often think about sleeping with Carl, so obviously monogamy is something that I’ve not been totally honest with myself about. Yes I should respect Steven and Love only him –and I do, but that doesn’t stop me from being attracted sexually to other people. I’ve been with Steven nearly 5 years now – 5 years, and haven’t cheated on him not once... and never ever intended to. But after 5 years I’m beginning to feel I need something more. Maybe if I did sleep with someone else I’d realise how much Steven is worth to me, because I’m really starting to lose hope. Or maybe I’d in fact realise how much Steven isn’t worth to me, who knows – I could really find myself. I’m not being a coward when I say this, but I’d rather test it out while he’s still here rather then us breaking up to realise he is in fact the one.
It is one thing to love someone emotionally, but quite another to love them mentally I think. Obviously at this moment I couldn’t possible love Steven mentally because Carl is always on my mind...which to me has more power then any physical. When I make love to Steven for 20minutes, I’m with Carl mentally for the next 48 hours plus – and sometime Carl’s even there throughout my making love to Steven. So you see....it is a case of mind over matter, and if someone’s on your mind it’s your human right to moved to them and at least try to fulfil the desire you hold within.
Diary Entry 9th Sept 2009
If he orders me around one more time he’s gonna live to regret it. Do you know how tiring cooking, cleaning and trying to hold down a full time job can be? He should be grateful that I’m even doing all this. But no, he still insists on me running his bath and giving him a back massage.
Anyway, today was a good day; I managed to get through the crazy pile of papers on my desk at work, which gave me chance to finish early. *Smiles* thoughts of Carl didn’t hurt either - although I’m trying my best not to have them.
What would I do if something actually happened between me and him? As much as I think, ‘Oh well, just let it happen.’ is as much as I think ‘No, it just can’t happen.’ he’s got a partner and so have I; it would be selfish not to consider their feelings in this.
So what should I suggests saying - “Excuse me, Steve? I was just thinking... as I do. I erm actually fancy your best friend, of 25 years, you know - Carl...yeah, that's the one. I really have this urge to give him a good shag, and I just wanted your blessing - surly you wouldn’t mind?’
Yeah right – far from amicable!
I mean how else do you consider other peoples feelings? In a situation such as this I don’t think there‘s a shot in hell you could really consider anyone else’s feelings, especially when the urge is so strong - it’s not normal. There must come a time in everyone’s life when you’re not supposed to consider anyone else’s feelings but your own. Some may call that selfish, so you just can’t win. Whether you’re forsaking your own or forsake others - someone’s always gonna be left feeling miserable. It’s a catch 22. What am I Suppose to do? Just ignore the way I feel?!
And karma’s such a bitch.
Anyway I must dash; Steven needs me to scrub his back.
I like him. It’s weird I know, but I do like him. I know I shouldn't’t go around falling for my boyfriend’s friend, but Carl 's hot. At times I catch him looking at me, I can tell he likes me too....but his got a girlfriend anyway so this is just stupid.
Why can’t stop thinking about him? I’ve only known him a month and every time he comes around I just don’t want him to leave, he’s so much fun to be around.
Steven (my boyfriend) and Carl have been friends for years, but I’ve only recently met Carl. He was living in London for a long time so I hadn’t the chance to meet him before now - but I heard a lot about him. Since meeting Carl, Steven in comparison has become a bore, yes he still buys me anything I want and gives me bed time head, but other then that the excitement's dead!! He rarely makes me laugh and he hardly ever takes me out; all he does is work and sleep, work and sleep.
The other day Carl and I went for a drink, I saw him in town while I was out buying Steven a tie for this business meeting he has in France next week, we had a right laugh. The chemistry was immense, we talked about absolutely everything, from relationships to work, money and children, I haven’t had that much attention for a long while....you know, just one on one. I felt so drawn to him and I'm still trying to work out if it’s because he makes me laugh, I know he's good looking, or horror of horror is just because I know he's Stevens’s friend! Surly I’m not a closet slut! Hmmm.
Maybe I'm being harsh. OK, Steven's a nice guy - I suppose. He looks after me, my father was really proud to finally see me with a hard working man for a change, but....but...he’s become dull. How do I tell him that I’m beginning to feel pushed aside/neglected/ignored/bored.
What the hell!! After seeing Carl last week all I cant think about is him. Hugging me goodbye he held me for a few seconds longer then a normal 'friendly' goodbye hug - the only bleeding thing missing was a big sloppy wet kiss...., what am I gonna do?? I love Steven really I do....but there's something about Carl.
OMG!! I might just have to....